Today was certainly an adventure, huh? Then again, every day is an adventure when you have a demon hunter on your side, right? Right?
In any case, the day began when we exited that cave with the riddle. The first thing that comes at us is a carriage with no driver. Strange enough. Then, out of no where, out pops a gnome! Do you know how long it's been since I've seen a gnome? I couldn't tell ya. This guy had a sick lute, though. Man played some mad tunes.
We took him in, and all decided to go to Godrick's Tower. Maybe this mad old man could help us in our quest to save the kingdom! Insert fanfare.
Well, before we leave, the priest in the group decided to just fucking summon a golden dragon. What?! And why?! I dunno! Ask him! After a bit, the dragon comes back with this man who looks like the most generic superhero you've ever seen. Bald, shirtless, and muscular. The man's arms were the size of tanks, god damn it. Are there still tanks in this age? There was some freaky futuristic shit back when I was in Andragar.
Anyway, this guy was a beast. Literally. He punched a tree in half with one hit! A fucking tree! The man's hand turned into a dragon head! Gave me conniptions. Apparently he was a part of the group, so I was like, fuck it! Let's take another one! But, since there were so many people, I decided to run a little test. I took out my knife and tried to cut every one of the party members. The blade went through everyone except… you guessed it! Big man! I was suspicious, but he did tell me he killed thousands of demons, so I was alright with him. His name was Cedric.
So, off we go to Godrick's! The priest just fucking flew on his big ass dragon, while Cedric just… ran. He ran. The man ran faster than anything I've ever seen in my life. He was probably running faster than a loosed arrow. If someone tried to shoot this man with a crossbow, he could just turn the opposite direction and outrun the bolt. Frankly, I was shook. So there I was, with Sebastian the Elf, Gary the Gnome, Dredgin the Magic Man, and Traw the Traw. Seriously, I don't know what that guy is. A healer? A living shadow that can cast dark shit? No, he's just Traw.
I came up with the brilliant idea of manning the conveniently placed carriage to Godrick's Tower. Sebastian rode up front, piloting, while I rode beside him, the dastardly co-pilot. The three others got in the back. Losers.
After a bit, I started hearing some talking coming from the back. One of the voices was different, so I poked my head back there and saw someone new. I kinda lost it a bit, because I was tired of just gaining new adventurers. I told him to leave, but he just wouldn't. So I just went back to co-piloting. I looked over, and the man took over Sebastian's body! It was some crazy shit. So, I started reciting my mantra. Now, I now it can get really annoying, but it's just celestial phrases over and over in a pattern! Unless you're evil, like Dredgin, you shouldn't mind it! The words came straight from the Chronicle of the Righteous for Dagon's sake. I successfully expelled him from Sebastian, but Sebastian just went unconscious. There was no man driving the carriage, so we stopped. I looked back again, and there was the little fucker, smiling in the backseat. Once again, I use my mantra, fairly loudly, to express my point that I want him gone. He's obviously evil, and I didn't want him here, so god damn it I wanted him out. He wasn't affected this time, and he silenced me. Then I just lost my tempter. I just decided to throw the god damn maniac out of my god damn carriage, god damn it. I just picked him up and threw him out. I went back to reciting my mantra, and funnily enough, Dredgin was repelled out of the carriage. That's when I found out he was evil too. Two birds with one stone. I went back to the front and started driving, still chanting. I looked back, and Dredgin was back there shaking the dude's hand! It looked like it hurt, but I kept goin'.
I stopped to try and wake up my boy Sebastian, but he kinda just… turned insane. Black liquid oozed out of his mouth, so I started draining whatever I could. He went unconscious again, but after a few minutes, my man was back to life. Dredgin came back, and I let him back inside. He might be evil, but hey, not all evil people are evil if you know what I mean.
We make it to the tower, and shit's already pretty crazy. Our man with the dragon got shot down by some anti-air turrets, Cedric tried to catch him, but they plummeted. No skin off my back. I looked around, finding some corpses. One man was cursed, so my boy Gary the Gnome popped in and saved the guy. He said the key to the door was in the building next to us, but that shit was cursed as fuck. No thanks. Round two. Aril comes back, priest man, and says there's an inscription in Infernal. Hell yeah, baby. I can read that shit. Strangely enough, so can Dredgin. Coincidence? Probably.
It was some stupid riddle talkin' 'bout, "those whom spells cannot touch, speak with purpose and open the door." I said, "This is where I shine! Spells can't hit me!" so I walked right up and said, "OPEN!" Nothing happened. Sadness insues. Sebastian tells my boy Aril to use dispel magic. Aril turns into a drow, dispels magic, and boom! Door is opened. Wow, gotta fight magic with magic I guess. Or rather, cheats with cheats. We pop up inside and mess with this giant ball of black shit, it's crazy. Details details.
We finally go through a door, and what do you know, it's trapped all to hell. Three rooms holding pawn pieces. Looks like we gotta grab 'em. My boy Cedric goes and jumps across a body of water but gets shot down like a bitch. There's a big ass shark in the water, so I swim and try to distract it, but my BOY GARY comes up and starts singin' and shit. Plays some mad tunes. The shark lets go of my boy and Cedric heals himself. Gary also spotted a shiny thing in the water somehow, so Cedric grabs it and tails it outta the water with me.
The other fools grabbed their pawns somehow and we put that shit in the door. Bang, door unlocks. Ez puzzle. There's a big golem, but it's made outta metal, and the shiny thing was actually a gauntlet of rust. Convenient. We rust the shit outta the golem and take the moonstone in the room. We put it in the first door and go to the other room.
We're now in a theatre stage with copies of all of us, plus some strangers on the other side on stage. We're up on the balcony watching the show. Turns out, this is another puzzle. We keep taking damage. Fuck that. Jumping down, Cedric and I, and everyone else starts pushing on these big ol blocks. Nothing moves, so we read the inscriptions. The big ol square says "A test of Might", so Cedric pushes it. Ay, my boy! He shifts it in place. One outta three solved. The triangle says, "A test of Wit." Alright, I'm good at being witty. I try to think this shit out, I'm mad concentrating, but Aril just fucking shrinks that shit with magic. Of course. Cheating. Who would have guessed? He makes it grow back on the place it's supposed to be, and we get that puzzle too. The last one has some black ass cubes, and it's gotta be something about those items. So we take the cubes into some sunlight and they turn clear. "A test of Materials" it says. Alright, so we use these then? Nope. Someone else used some magic to complete this puzzle. More cheats. Cool. We win, whatever, get some loot, take the sunstone, unlock the door.
Next up, we in a hallway. What's in the hallway? Doors! Each one with pictures of us. We go in at the same time, our respective doors, and apparently we're fighting copies of ourselves. My dude Nyter was horned, and had some bad ass demon wings. He also had a weird skull. He said the only way to fight demons is with demonic power.
My boy. No. You made a promise, Nyter. A pact with yourself. Never would you ever use a demon's power to gain the strength to kill demons. Never. You broke that pact. Now, I'm gonna lay you to rest like the rest of the demons in hell. I'm casting defensive spells, drawing magic circles and shit. This man is the opposite of me, so he's doing opposite spells on his shit. I wreathe my weapon in holy infernal bane, he wreathes his in green fire. I use protection against infernals, he uses… green fire. I draw a magic circle against infernals, he draws… a magic circle against good? DOES THIS MAN NOT KNOW THAT I AM NOT A GOOD ALIGNED CREATURE? If he tried to trap me in that circle, I could just step out. I'm neutral. What a dumb ass.
I kill his ass like the dumb ass he is, and walk out. Everyone else was successful too, albeit a few were injured. We got one more room, boys. Stepping in, we see a new plane of existence. Neat. Godrick is up on a platform gettin' some primo succ by something suspicious. His soul looks FUCKED. There's a mean dude in the middle, behind it all. He looks hella powerful. Detect infernal! Not infernal. Alright, says I, I won't be able to scratch him. Time for a different plan. I let the others deal with the mean dude, while I make my way to Godrick. I climb up to him, draw my last magic circle, and bind whatever it is that's draining his soul. I plunge my knife into him, and god damn, I've never actually done that much damage in my life. I nearly killed this man in one hit. But, Cedric and Traw are dead, and Aril cheated. Ahem, I mean, he plane shifted. Pussy.
Well, it's just me, Dredgin, and gnome man. Dredgin cheats— I mean, teleports behind me, for some reason. He tells me to not look at him. Alright, Dredgin, whatever you say. I look away, then look back. The mean dude is just… ashes. So is Godrick. Good work, Dredgin! You killed our objective and our enemy! Initiate fanfare.
Syke! Our boy Cedric rises from the grave! God damn, he really is a superhero. My man casts true resurrection on Godrick, fixing his ashy knees. Godrick says What Up! Not really. I fill him in, we go get the loot. Before that, however, Dredgin… He literally puts a demon inside of Traw. Like, I saw that shit. Well, kill first, ask questions later.
I zoom in on him like a carpenter bee gettin' some mad wood. He gets beat up by our other members, but I just fucking stab him to death until he doesn't bleed anymore. All of a sudden, Traw's back! My boy! Does this count as cheating? Probably.
We loot the shit! We get cool shit, but then I see… it.
I have finally found it once again. Rather, it found me. The Book of the Damned. 12,000 years… that's how long it's been since I've seen it. Dredgin tries to touch it, but I stop him. I thought if he touched it, every demon lord in hell would be able to scry on us. Turns out I was wrong. It's a passive effect, and I was already in it. I couldn't have that happen. No, I can't have them knowing where I'm at again. I am not afraid of many things, but I am not going back to 6,000 years of torture. No, not again. Never again. I sprint away outside of the radius. I'm screaming at Dredgin to please put the book in my bag, but he's not listening. I have to beg, and he actually turns invisible. Good thing I have my handy dandy True Seeing goggles from my pal Milo. I begin to sprint towards Dredgin, because he's reading the god damn thing, but he finally drops it.
And now I have it. I have the book. This damned, contemptible, detestable, vile book. I'm now the bearer. After so many millenia, I have it again. There's only one thing to do, and that's phone a friend. I have friends in high places, you see. Or, rather, low places. Very, very low places.
Let it be known that if this book is stolen from me again, I will break my code. I will kill whoever stole it from me, whether they be demon, angel, or even mortal. I won't let the same mistake happen again. I'll even use it if I have to. I'm not losing this book a second time.